Fuck OCD.

I don’t expect anyone to read this and I don’t blame you if you skip through the end cause this is gonna be a long ass rant. I’m not sure how to even start. Firstly, I’d like to say that online school is a pain in the ass during Covid. Fuck that shit. I literally spent the whole day staring at a screen, wondering when I was ever going to take a break. I get super stressed if I take a break because I know I have to finish my assignment by the deadline. My English teacher says that she understands mental health, yet she assigns a shit ton of work that’s literally due in the same day. I thought going to school was bad enough, this shit is even worse. I have a C+ in my math class and the rest are all A’s and it just pisses me off. I’ve tried so hard to get an A but of course, me being the idiotic person I am I’m not sure how I can achieve it.I feel pathetic ranting on here; because all my friends are already depressed and I cannot go to them for help. I cant make new ones because of covid. I cant ask my family because I’ve tried already and they just don’t get it. I want to text my therapist, but it’s night so she’s probably asleep, and I don’t want to bother her.I’ve always been the friend to help others whenever I still felt like shit. I’m sacrificing my happiness for everyone else, and its tearing me apart. Today is one of my lowest points, and my friend told me that she cut herself and I wanted to lose my shit because I wanted to help her but I was already broken. A broken person cannot help another broken person. But I helped her anyway, and she felt better. I’m a side character of my own life.My intrusive thoughts, it’s so fucking exhausting. I wake up every single day asking myself “What if I killed this person?” And then, another thought comes in and I say “Wtf, I would never do that.” And then it’s a repeating process. Trust me guys, I would never hurt anyone. It’s just this stupid fucking mental disorder. My intrusive thoughts are the main thing.My compulsions. It’s systematic within my body, I have to keep twitching my face until it feels perfect because it’s a “balance.” (Doing this rn as I type this) If one eyebrow feels tense, I have to raise the other to balance it. I look like a freak. Same with squinting my eyes.I currently don’t take medication right now, because my brother has ADHD and major depressive disorder yet he has not taken medication and he is in a good place in his life right now. I told him about my OCD and he just invalidated what I felt. “Whatever you’re going through, I went through way worse.”My friends are relying on me for their happiness. My best friend says that I’m all she has. She knows I have mental issues too but I don’t blame her trying to seek help from the only person she has. I try so hard to be strong for the both of us but it’s hard when it feels like everything is just falling apart. Another friend is using me as a therapist, every single day constantly seeking validation to not feel anxiety. I am not a therapist bro. I’m just a person. Another toxic friend in the past who sought validation everyday from me. Always downgrading me, making me feel worthless. Whether it’s a game of monopoly or something irl, I always lose. I’m the dumber friend. I’m the loser. I feel guilty because other people have been through way worse, and OCD is not even that bad. But to me it is. I hate it and I cannot go a day without crying after doing my compulsions because honestly, it’s mentally exhausting.No one believes I exactly have OCD either, even though doctors have told me. My brother was diagnosed with ADHD and yet to this day my parents don’t believe it. They’re like “so what if he has it? I don’t notice it at all.” Like wtf.. anyone can hide anything.I just hate being the side character of my own story. I’m supposed to be the main character of my own life. I’m wasting my time, and I’ve already wasted so much time. I cant go back. I hate this bullshit. I just want to know how can I be happy again? How do I stop being a side character of my own life? via /r/OCD https://ift.tt/36Neqxy