Throwaway account because I don’t want my family and specially my mother to find this. I want to apologize in advance about my grammar or English, it’s not my first language. With all that being said, hi! I’m op(19F) and have two brothers(16m)and (14m) a dad(51) and mum(52) and my family is going through a tough time, My grandma(94) years old passed away this summer and my mother is devastated, I am too but my grieving is a different kind of grief than hers. See my mum(52f) really loved her mother, she would visit her weekly, constantly call her to check on her, ordered her groceries, paid nannies and etc. she really loved and cared for her mother and now she is devastated from her lose, the thing is we aren’t making it easy for her.I am a total mess! In contrary to my mother ,who is really tidy, has a routine and keeps everything organized and planned, I am unorganized and I usually go with the flow of what I need that day, I never had a routine since it wasn’t really useful to me having ADHD, I prefer looking at the situation of the day and adapting to it the best way I can, because of that I’m always in a hurry to do something or going somewhere, my mind is off and on and I am really distracted.This pisses my mum off a lot since she hates messes and I’ve tried to work through this problem and be more organized but it never works, I am not going back to my medication since I hate it , those meds only make me feel even sicker, depressed and anxious, I couldn’t draw nor dance (I am studying arts), it disturbed my sleeping (I get as side effects insomnia) and my eating varies so much it’s painful , I can’t have normal friendships nor live a normal and just awful, I realized I’m much better off without it , I feel like my mind isn’t clouded and it’s clear enough to have a normal live with my friends and family while I study my dream career.But lately my mum is being quiet , her face is drained , she cries from time to time, she is super sensitive and the fact that because of COVID now we all study/work at home, she now cooks all days at the same time she works and she is constantly all over us and I can see all this situation is hurting her .I feel guilty because I feel like I can do much more, I’ve been trying to work on my chores without her telling me, trying to get her out of the drama and testosterone fights that are going on in my household(you know, two men being men) and over all being more involved. But it’s not enough , I see her working all the time and I can see in her eyes she feels miserable, I really want to be more organized and try to help her with more chores so she can have time for herself and her mind but I distract so easily .I really love my mum and I don’t want her to fall into a depression or something worst because of the lost of my grandma , I want to help her grief but I don’t know how, I suggested her therapy but she told me it won’t be useful for her if she comes back to a household of chaos every time she leaves the house and that she just needs peace and that everyone helps out .The thing is , my brothers are in those teenage years when you don’t give a damn about anything but yourself , and will usually make a fight about anything with her just to try to get away with it , my dad is working in a really important project right now and doesn’t get out of his home office unless Is for food, where he would give snarky comments about the seasoning or the rations, or to get into a screaming match with my brother (16), he would usually start giving snarky comments about my brothers grades and attitude of not caring about his studies and they would escalate it to a point where we have to separate them , and I’m no saint either, I’m am working my ass off to keep a scholarship in the career I’m studying and I would do the bare minimum and forget about checking on her , and I feel awful about it .I am considering doing a routine and if I’m desperate go back to my medication , I will be miserable for some time but I think it will be worth it because my mums mental health wouldn’t deteriorate, but part of me really doesn’t want to do that . I am so conflicted and worried this will break my mother apart and hurt her and I am writing this as a call for help . via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/2HVzAPP
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