I just don’t know what to do :(

My world is crashing down because my boyfriend of 3 years says my BPD is starting to get to him (again...)I’m a quiet borderline and hearing him say this is so heartbreaking... I know just because I didn’t mean to hurt him doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt him in the end.His feelings are valid and I always try my best to communicate to him when I’m triggered or splitting. But it’s hard...I’m ashamed to have BPD and when things trigger me I try my best to deal with it on my own because so many triggers can happen in a day and I don’t wanna burden him all the time. This causes me to come off as cold or emotionless or numb.In the past I’ve used substances to cope but it was harmful towards him since he felt like I wasn’t here with him mentally.This has been going on for our entire relationship and when I get “difficult to handle” we decided that it’s best for me to visit my relatives to cool off for sometimes days or weeks at a time to give him a break since we live together.I guess I’m just tired of this. I don’t know how to handle myself in a way that’s fair to both of us. Everyday I hope that something will kill me and finally end this cycle of shit.I have tried breaking up with him at least 2 times before and I get the feeling he’s codependent to me. When I tell him it’s destructive and toxic for to us to continue being together he tells me that we will work through it or that breaking up isn’t an option or threatens his life. It scares me to my core. I’ve talked him out of taking his own life before. I know his depression gets triggered by my BPD emotional instability. So if I stay together he’s hurt and if I leave he’s hurt. Lose lose situation... I’ve been in contact with therapists and social workers to start treatment for myself (on a 6month waiting list). As for him I’ve suggested him to speak with a mental health professional but he just isn’t interested. (He’s grown, it’s his choice)I think it’s important to note that he’s been supportive and caring to me and trying to help me open up but sometimes I genuinely can’t get the words out for what’s wrong or I get confused and think how I feel is dumb (I think I gaslight myself with my emotions)But I want to know what to do... should I stay or leave?Please any advice would be so helpful right now I just feel so alone and confused via /r/BPD https://ift.tt/2SRyrLe