I’m responsible for my uncle’s suicide.

This is a throwaway because my friends know my reddit account.This is the first time I’ve ever acknowledged this happened outside my own head, so I apologise if it’s all over the place.I always got on with my Uncle James. He was my dad’s little brother. I was an outdoorsy kid and James was a park ranger. He used to take me to work all time time when my dad was busy and although he had his own kids, he always made time for me. My dad never made time for me but he did, he was my family.I only remember the first time he assaulted me. I was 10. I was in his living room, his wife and kids had gone shopping but I hated shopping so I stayed with him. We were watching a film, I don’t know what it was. A sex scene came on, I don’t know if it was sex but there was kissing and when your that age it’s hard to know the difference. He asked if I knew what sex was, I guess I kind of mumbled my answer. I don’t know but he wanted to teach me. I can’t bring myself to say what happened next because part of me can’t accept it.This went on for years. I guess you can ask why I didn’t say anything, why no one noticed. My parents were divorced. My dad was beating me and my mum was depressed. I slipped through the cracks I guess.When I was 15 and finishing my GCSEs I guess I was done with it. I told him that was going to tell my school. I had proof. I was done with it and after years of mental health issues which everyone blamed on my dad or hormones, I guess I had nothing to lose.He killed himself the night before I was going to tell everyone. I’ve never told anyone that our relationship was anything but wholesome. I’ve never told anyone in the past 10 years since he raped me. I never will. He’s dead. My family has grieved. My cousins, his children, have been through enough. No one knows why he killed himself and it’s a big mystery in my family, but I know.I haven’t had sex with anyone else, I’ve only kissed people when I’m drunk or high. He’s ruined romantic relationships for me but he’s dead so what other justice would I get. I know it’s my fault he killed himself. It’s my fault his children have no father, if I kept my mouth shut he would be alive and I’d have my favourite uncle. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/3lRia5s