Relapse after more or less 8 years of health

I have slipped up before but this time it feels like it might stick. When I was heavy into bulimia I was really bad. I would sneak out of my house and get pizzas and fast food and cookies and everything and just binge until I was physically ill. I did this sometimes three or four times a day every day for years. Looking back I can't believe it was my life. Like I said, there have been days maybe three or four times a year over the last six years of recovery that I purged but I never really binged I just felt really full and couldn't take it. Now after living with my parents for 7 months because of Corona I'm back at my apartment by myself and realizing how much I hate my job and how incredibly lonely I am as an asexual with one friend. my one friend is really moody and today is being really mean. I don't know what it is I just have this urge and it's the same urge I had yesterday when I succumbed to binging and purging. Relapsing. it's like I'm craving something to fill the void and the void almost physically hurts it is so strong but I don't know what to do so I just eat and eat until I feel so disgusting and fat I have to get rid of it. a little background information while I wasn't bulimic I still had these urges and at one time I did eat meat but didn't Purge and I gained a ton of weight. I just recently lost 50 lb and I'm starting to look pretty decent and I don't want to fuck it up. I already have decided in my mind that tonight I'm going to binge and Purge because I feel just so emotional and so shitty plus I don't care. I don't know what the point of this post is, I mean if anyone wants to know how to get better I can help you but I can't teach you how to stay better because I can't do it myself. I apologize that I have gone on for so long I just feel, like I said, really alone and really emotionally negative. Feel free to private message me. thanks. via /r/bulimia https://ift.tt/30w4zsa