I started working with a shamanic healer woman who I found through a seminar online back in 2016. I was 22 at the time, and she would have been 26. She called herself a therapist/healer/shamanic worker, and was based in Australia, (I’m based in the US). We would have video sessions where I would ask her questions about my energy, talk about my problems, we would do soul retrievals, meditations etc. Over the years we became very close. Last September 2019 I moved to Australia to study shamanism with her which is when I finally realized how unhealthy the situation was and how there were really bad and dangerously blurred boundaries. And also, how I had almost blindly trusted her, without questioning deeply her background/training etc. She told me she was abused by her father and sister from a very young age. Because of this she maintained her psychic abilities, connection to other planes, etc. I was told her father was very into cults when she was younger, and because of her “abilities” cults used her powers. But she was also used as a scapegoat/witch and prosecuted in others. She was part Maori, and supposedly had trained with Maori shamans there. She had never finished her schooling, a criminal justice degree and an herbal medicine course. She had been in an extremely abusive relationship a year or so before I had met her. She would always say I love you during sessions, tell me how beautiful and amazing I was, etc. It was in the middle of a soul retrieval session when she suggested I start studying shamanism under her. We were “best friends” even though I looked up to her more than anything, and we did have what felt like a strong sister bond. It was really intense. I remember having a soul retrieval session where she said her inner child wanted to play with my inner child in this mental safe space I had as a part of the retrieval, looking back this feels questionable. After one retrieval I had I saw these dark/demonic//ghoulish looking shadowy figures come to my mind. I told her about it after and she said it was just stuff “clearing out” but now I am questioning if that was somehow a botched/bad soul retrieval. I do think she had powerful shamanic abilities, she could sense when I was in distress and always reached out, but I think I placed her on this mighty shamanic pedestal, and trusted everything she said, which I am very ashamed about. She was almost always there for me, so much so that I think it created a really unhealthy codependent dynamic. I resent her for this even though I played my part in the dynamic. Looking back now, I wonder what she was doing in her life that she was almost always available for a session and would spend hours talking to me. When I moved to Australia, she got really sick (or did she?), almost immediately upon my arrival, I was struggling to make ends meet there and everything was really fucking stressful. It turns out all of her other “clients” apparently stopped seeing her at the same time and she was relying on me for income as a student of hers and for therapy sessions. She told me this was my make it or break it point, which I am unsure of what she meant now, but at the time it made me feel like if I fucked up all would be lost there. She would smoke spliffs (weed + tobacco) constantly throughout the day as her medicine, which I believed she needed but am questioning everything now. She told me she was on a medication to make her periods stop because they made her too suicidal, and she had this insanely long list of symptoms she experienced however none of which medical doctors could do anything about. She supposedly had two strokes while I was there but the people at the ER said she was fine/didn’t find anything wrong with her. Ever since I had met her she was always dealing with various illnesses/sickness, which I accepted because it is often touted as a sign of a shamanic healer, and I would always feel so bad for her having to deal with that. When I was in Australia though, she mentioned how her niece was always lying about some “illness” as an excuse when she doubted she was even sick, which I found odd to say. I know mystery illnesses are things people experience, but I am questioning the validity of it for her now. I would work to clean the house, make her food, and draw her baths because I felt so bad for her, even though I resented this very soon into everything. This was also when I started to feel weird about things, she would watch me doing dishes and be reading my energy, she could see the negative mental energy I was creating and wanted to help diffuse it. She would come into my “room” (which she was also charging me $400/mo to stay on her couch/in her living room while her boyfriend moved into a bedroom after I moved in that he only used on weekends, her boyfriend was also an ex pain meds user who would go to the clinic to get methodone/always seemed pretty out of it) whenever I would be crying/upset and be there for me even though there were a few times I felt her energy to be intrusive/unwanted. She was extremely tuned into my energy, and I think she had really good intentions with this, and wanted to help me, but I think she was very unwell herself and was possibly using me to avoid healing her own issues, even if she was a powerful shaman, and I think it ultimately hurt me as well. I am still unsure though, trying to sift through everything that happened. When I realized that our boundaries were fucked and I mentioned this to her she just gave me a printout on how to have better boundaries. I also think she was potentially trauma bonding to me. Staying on the phone with me for long periods of time when I was going through really intense moments. When I started to realize I had to leave, she sensed it, and I knew she did. She sent me this long message saying she understood how I felt about everything, it was literally like she read my mind, mentioning very specific thoughts I was having about everything, and it felt like she was using it to manipulate me into staying, and that made me want to run even more. I ended up leaving abruptly, a friend I met there helped remove me from the situation, but upon leaving she told me that I would end up committing suicide. I think it’s important to note that her sister committed suicide a few years back. She had also helped me through a lot of suicidal moments/feelings before and knew I had struggled with that. Even though I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, her saying that to me has haunted me on and off all year, and I have been the most suicidal I have ever been in my life, but also, you know, compounded by COVID/other mental health stuff going on. When I was about to leave from Australia she wrote me a message saying how she could barely type because her fingers were broken (which they hadn’t been before) and it all just felt so manipulative. I came back to the states in November 2019 and I reached out to her again a couple months after everything, and she just started talking about how she wished her brother would talk to her and not feel so much shame, and that felt subtly manipulative as well. There is so much that happened between us, and I had almost all of our communication saved in Facebook messages that I deleted one day after feeling so ashamed of the whole situation but now I regret that deeply because it would have been helpful to look back at the 4 years of correspondence to better understand everything. This is pretty jumbled, and there is so much that has happened that I cannot remember clearly right now/have the space to explain. I have avoided really delving into everything that happened most of the year but I think it is catching up to me. I have brought it up to several other women healers to seek understanding, but I am also weary/skeptical of them now too, and I also recognize this pattern of needing validation/understanding from a strong female figure. I am putting this out there hoping for some insight, advice, anyone who has experienced similar and any tips on healing/getting through, thank you via /r/Shamanism https://ift.tt/34DakW7
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