College ain't going well for me

I got into my first choice school, had A/B honor roll in high school, and I was hopeful for a fresh start. Fast forward two months in: I'm failing math and my philosophy grade ain't far above it.My professors don't give a shit about me and I don't care enough to make an effort to reach out to them. I'm still doing general requirements that aren't even in the ballpark of my major. My largest motivation for rolling put of bed each day isn't my boring fucking zoom classes, it's the natural urge to drink water.I'm perpetually exhausted because even when I relax I'm anxious and angry. My sleep schedule is fucked and I've developed a massive caffeine tolerance. I exercise regularly as some sort of coping mechanism but I don't even feel the usual rush anymore.I know people say they don't have the will to live hyperbolically a lot, but I literally would not be bothered if my house had a gas leak and it killed me in my sleep. If anything, as I typed that put I fantasized about how wonderful that might feel now.I like driving nice country roads to relax but honestly might have a breakdown and crash into a tree. This is just aimless rambling that no one will read, but I wanted my misery in words. I'm living someone's dream: I'm a student at a big prominent university, and yet I'm fucking distraught. I've had shakey mental health going on eight years now, but never before have I wanted to just drop all my responsibilities and hide.Every waking minute is dread. I can distract myself temporarily with videogames and exercise, but in the back of my mind I know I'm lying to myself. I will always go to sleep depressed and miserable. I wish I had never been born. via /r/depression https://ift.tt/35dhbpA