I'm AMAB, 22 years old. I have cyclical depression, and I'm on lithium for it. I skimp out on taking lithium every once in a while (we're supposed to take some breaks for health reasons, and I haven't had bloodwork done in a while. I'm usually good about taking it every day) -- I had taken none this week, and usually that just manifests in me being a little less emotionally stable, more uninhibited, more decisive and sometimes just irrational. I don't know if these feelings are related to that, but... I think they might be.Yesterday, I ended up looking at /r/transtimelines all day and all night and it made me very emotional, to the point of crying, looking at how beautiful and happy all of the MtF people looked, and I wanted to be like them, very badly. I go through this every couple of months, and it always ends up the same way.I barely slept, I shaved my face, I have makeup in my Amazon shopping cart. I wasn't convinced I was trans per se, but I wanted to look pretty, and I wanted to feel pretty, I wanted to take selfies of myself with winged eyeliner and pink eyeshadow, bathed in pink LED lights. It made me feel so insanely happy and warm inside to think of myself looking feminine, talking feminine, maybe even walking around town with makeup on and in feminine clothes and feeling confident and comfortable in my own skin. The feelings were so strong that I immediately told two of my friends about it (both cis) and they were both immensely supportive of me at least buying makeup and trying it out.This morning, I took a loading dose level of lithium and some supplemental agmatine, both of which are really helpful for me when I'm feeling manic, thinking that if I was just manic that these feelings would at least quiet themselves enough where I can not do anything drastic and I could assess them with a level head. Three hours later, and here I am. I don't even know if I want to put on makeup or buy different clothes. I don't really want to even look pretty -- and those emotions were so strong to me yesterday. I mean, yeah I want to look pretty, but I don't have the energy for it. I am fine being just a... guy.I don't usually feel dysphoric about being AMAB, and I usually don't think at all of doing my makeup or buying different clothes or presenting myself any differently. I do suppose I always feel like I would've preferred to be AFAB, but usually I'm able to just suppress that and make the best with what I've got. This entire thing has me wrapped up in guilt, because I feel like the literal manifestation of what transphobes think all trans people are -- just people who think it would be fun to be the opposite gender. I mean yeah, it would be fun to be the opposite gender. But sometimes, at my mental health lows, it feels SO GOOD to bask in the feeling that I don't have to be a guy, and that I can be something beautiful and desirable and feminine. And sometimes, I just don't give a shit. It's fucked up.I love y'all, I lurk egg_irl all the time and that's the MOST relatable stuff to me. I guess my question is... what do I do? What's the healthy way to explore this side of me, knowing fully well that my mental health is a mess and that I may never convince myself of one identity or lifestyle? Should I still buy makeup and take those selfies and just see how I feel? And... can anybody relate?Thanks y'all, love y'all via /r/asktransgender https://ift.tt/2T5GAvF
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