On Thursday, my partner (whom I'll refer to as X, 21, they/them) asked me (21, he/him) if I would want to trip on Saturday. We had both been having kind of a rough time lately, but we've had some practice as psychonauts and felt pretty confident about it. We decided to take 200 micrograms of LSD each, and dropped at around 13:00 on Saturday. It was pretty chill for me at first, I started to get some nice visuals, but X wasn't feeling well, physically or mentally, so they invited one of our friends (whom I'll call Y, 21, she/her) to come over. Y was sober, but had had a lot of experience tripping. We all chilled in my room and watched a nature documentary for a while, and then moved out into the living room to enjoy the afternoon sunlight filtering in through the windows. We talked about everything and nothing for a while, and then Y decided to go to her house to make some pasta.From approximately 16:00-18:00 as I talked with X, it felt like my mind expanded to consider every aspect of the entire universe, and then fell into a feedback loop and collapsed in on itself. I still don't entirely understand what happened, or how, because I felt like I was sliding back and forth between different points in space and time in a non-linear, non-sequential fashion, and I couldn't tell what was real. I had mentioned to X a number of times some realization that I felt like I was hurtling towards, both for no time at all and for all of eternity, but I couldn't quite reach it, and when Y arrived, I saw a tunnel of light with an impossible triangular shape at the end. In my mind, the shape represented the realization I had been searching for, and after seeing it, I found a paradoxical truth that made me question who I was. I'll attempt to explain it, but I suspect the results won't be coherent, and that's okay.I realized that for most of my life, I hadn't been honest with myself or with others about who I am and how I feel. I realized that constantly lying to myself had been causing a lot of my stress and snowballing into bigger and bigger problems, like drug overuse and neglecting school, work, and personal relationships. I realized that I lied to myself so much as a coping mechanism ever since early childhood because I had no control over my life and went through a lot of emotional abuse from my parents; the combination of emotional abuse and self-delusion probably caused more psychological issues, like my tendency to dissociate, short term memory troubles, inability to keep track of due dates or stay on top of daily tasks even though I want to. X and I had been struggling with our senses of self during the trip; we had both been having kind of a rough time with mental health lately, I due to the things I mentioned above, and X because of school, work, and especially interpersonal stress. They had been feeling very alone and unloved because the friends they used to be close with kind of stopped asking to spend time with them unless it was to ask for help or a favor. I understood this pain, as it was one that I used to feel constantly until I built up enough lies to protect myself from it. However, I knew X's friends, and I had seen and heard for myself from each of them how important X is to them. I knew that they loved X, and I also knew how hard it can be to maintain all of the relationships you would like to, even with people you love, because that's something I've been struggling with for years. I realized that if we are honest with ourselves and with those we love (and who love us) about how we feel, most interpersonal problems can be overcome with honest, open discussion. I realized that I wouldn't have realized any of this if all of us (myself, X, and Y) hadn't experienced exactly what we did in each of our lives, and and made the exact choices each of us did. I wanted to express to X what I had found, but I didn't know how to without invalidating their feelings and risking sending them into ego death. This was complicated by the fact that X and I think very similarly a lot of the time, and since the first time we tripped together, we've had almost a "telepathic" link that allowed us to communicate nonverbally at times, and I realized that this "link" that we both embraced, and sometimes relied on, as if we could literally read each other's minds, was causing us to not say the things that we really thought or share the things that we really felt. I realized that we made too many assumptions about others and our relationships with others. I realized that myself, X, and Y were all the kinds of people who thought through the consequences of our actions as far as our brains could envision, and all of us are smart people, so our brains could envision such connections for quite a mental distance. I realized that this caused us to overthink our relationships with other people, and make assumptions about others' intentions, resulting in a lot of anxiety regarding interpersonal relationships, and this anxiety could be leading to other psychological issues. All of this contributed to the paradox that preceded/followed my ego death.Ego death itself was...horrifying, but transcendent. It felt like my psyche was completely broken down into its component pieces and then rebuilt from the ground up. I had no idea who I was. I recognized X and Y as they walked and talked with me, but I kept bringing up some question or some answer or something that I couldn't put into words. To them, it seemed like my body was just a shell, and that whoever used to occupy that shell had disappeared. That's kind of how I felt at the time too, but I also felt like I could finally see after being blind all of my life. I felt like I had picked the universe and myself apart until I had reduced them both to a single, fundamental truth: the paradox I attempt to explain above. This truth became the foundation that I built my new self on, with the help of X and Y.Both of them were integral to the rebuilding of my psyche; since Y had gone through what I was going through, and since she wasn't tripping, she was able to explain things rationally that I wouldn't have been able to understand otherwise. X was integral because they know me better than anyone else, and they were able to find things that reminded me who I was/who I used to be and helped me to feel more grounded in reality. It literally felt like I had died, been reborn, and had to relearn what it was like to be a human being living in the world.At times that day, it had felt like I was the world, or the universe even; it felt like I had assessed the relationships between every aspect of every person, place, thing, idea, and event throughout all of time, and I realized that everything is connected. Nothing in the universe would have existed as it was if everything else in the universe hadn't also existed at exactly the time it did in exactly the way it did. I didn't know who I was at the time, but I knew that who I used to be was determined by my experiences, which were determined by all of the experiences of everyone who touched my life, both directly and indirectly, and that who I would be in the future would be determined both by things that I had experienced and by what I chose to do with what l had learned from those experiences. I realized that it was okay if I didn't know who I was at that exact moment, because I knew that I would continue to learn who I was for the rest of my life.I realized that who I used to be had lied to myself and others so much about how I felt and about who I was that my personality was built on deception, and I didn't want to be living a lie anymore. I resolved that I would no longer lie to myself or to others about how I feel or who I am unless there's a very good reason to do so. I realized that my old self had been too arrogant; he had thought that he could just coast through life without putting forth any real effort and that everything would just turn out fine because he was a great and smart and talented person, and things couldn't possibly go too terribly for him. I had thought I could handle every problem I came across without any help from anyone, but throughout/before/after my rebirth, I realized that I could be a strong person, and still have to ask for help sometimes, because no one can be strong all the time, and even strong people need help from others. I realized that that that attitude of arrogance and invulnerability was what had caused a lot of my stress, and that I needed to be honest with myself about my capabilities and about my obligations.I also realized that my love for X was incontrivertible, and that that was part of who I am. I realized that the universe, while occupying an objective physical form, is still perceived in a way that makes it subjective to each living being that perceives it. I realized that when we are born, our brain is like a blank slate with a vague set of instructions for how to fill it, and as we grow and learn, the universe is built within our minds according to the pathways that form because of our experiences and the thoughts we think because of those experiences. This made me realize that everyone is just doing their best in life based on their own experiences and the person that those experiences made them into, even if what they're doing isn't the best thing for those around them. I believe now that all humans have the capacity to change for good, and that they must choose to be good each and every day.So, there's my attempt to explain my experience with ego death. Does anyone have any similar experiences or thoughts they would like to share? Any perspective is appreciated!! via /r/LSD https://ift.tt/33UAuEH
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