TLDR: consider this an AMA-style confessional for all of the common EMDR discussion points/questions you see on here r/EMDR and r/PTSD. Hope this helps.I've been doing EMDR for 5 months now. I'm in my early 30s. I'm told I have complex trauma from childbirth (the most recent), a prolonged rape at uni (the worst) and an abusive childhood (my mom was sectioned at one point, refused to take medication for manic depression and was a diagnosed narcissist who took out their rage on their children physically and emotionally). I relived my rape whilst giving birth, and my mom's special brand of fucked up parenting made me vulnerable to being taken advantage of and blaming myself for it. So they all bleed into each other.Ive seen on here a lot of back and forth about whether EMDR is appropriate for complex trauma. Maybe how it's going for me might give an idea of what it can be like. I had never heard of it bwfore, and was super skeptical going in - it sounds like hippy nonsense.How do we do it? Telehealth, over a video call. I feel safe because I'm in my own space. I speak more freely because i'm not picking up on the therapists body language. I can maximise their face or turn their face off so I don't see myself or them if I'm talking about something difficult. Don't want to continue? Turn off the laptop.How do I do the bilateral stimulation? I've done the remote EMDR where there's a dot that goes accross the screen, tapping my knees and the butterfly hug (which is the single stupidest name for any therapy technique I've ever come across. It should just be called criss-cross shoulder tapping - that's what it is). There's no real difference between techniques, but I can tolerate tapping myself at a faster rate.Do I have to trust the therapist? Nope, didn't fully trust mine until I was about three months in. He's EMDR-accredited, a trauma specialist and a legit nice guy. There's no reason not to trust him, but I wasn't comfortable being vulnerable around anyone. I don't even have to say what I'm reliving/thinking about unless I want to. I choose to say everything even though I don't really want to, because I will never see this person again when I am done with the therapy.Do I feel silly doing it? Abso-fucking-lutely. It is the silliest thing I've ever done. Think of something, waggle your eyes back and forth and say what your body is doing/whatever is on your mind? That's it? Yes, that is indeed it. Does the therapist sound like a broken record asking you to notice things and go with it? Yup. Think of them more like a spirit guide. They should only intervene if you get stuck. You do get used to it eventually.What is it like to do? My therapist says I have an extreme reaction in session. I dread each session, as my body tends to lock up and get incredibly tight/I have massive headaches. Between each session there are days where my brain won't switch off enough to let me sleep and I have a horrible IBS reaction - like my body is purging itself of poison. My therapist a lovely person, but I'm pretty sure the day I look forward to speaking to him is the day I am done with EMDR.What caused me to do EMDR? I thought I was fine and over it. I'd thrown myself into work. Except it turns out, my brain just turned off all my emotions and convinced me I was a garbage person. I hated myself, it was all my fault. I proved my worth to the world and myself by 'being strong' and achieving. In reality, my heart pounded all the time, my muscles were constantly sore/tight, I couldn't fall asleep/stay asleep easily and i zoned out all the time. Which I thought were character flaws and I just needed to try harder. I probably could have carried on this way for a long time, but I was retraumatised giving birth. I crashed hard, became suicidal and planned my own death. Which would have happened by now if the lockdown didn't scupper my plans. I might be the rare person whose life has been improved by covid because I had a breakdown and had to try one last time to get help. I self referred to my local mental health trust here in the UK and they filtered me through to a trauma-specialist who has a Master's in EMDR.What does progress look like? It depends. Occasionally, I completely process a memory. And it is a joy/peace of mind and calm I have only experienced on my wedding day, and when my baby smiled/laughed at me for the first time. More often, it is a small incremental change. Like not being suicidal anymore. Being able to recognise when I am physically experiencing an emotion I.e. becoming agitated (my hands start sweating). Actually feeling an emotion in my soul. For example feeling happy rather than knowing I should be happy and faking it to please others (whilst feeling blank inside). I have allowed myself cry in front of my husband. I have been able to briefly describe how I was raped to him. I could not get the words out before in the 12+ years of being together. Progress with the most traumatic memories, which I have the most complex thoughts about is much more like solving a giant rapey sudoku/Rubik's cube.How are you making progress/processing complicated really scary stuff? The more I relive the rape in a controlled environment, the less overwhelming it is. I can identify what emotion I was feeling. I can tell when I was feeling it. I know what I told myself to minimise the pain inflicted on me (usually something like I deserved it because ___, or I'm disgusting). I can see how to break it down into manageable phases which I can process one at a time. Or its different beliefs attached to the same memory which I can do one at a time. I had to surrender entirely to the process, and it took a good 10 weeks of processing the 'easy' distressing memories from it before my brain had the moment of clarity/muscle memory to work out what those phases were and how they differed from each other.Yeah, yeah. Give me an example of what that looks like in practice For example I finally put to bed today the idea that it was my fault I was raped. this was because I lost 45 pounds before attending Uni and became small, attractive and therefore a target. My mom used to tell me I was losing weight to get attention from boys and that I'd therefore deserve the consequences of any unwanted attention. Stellar parenting. So today the therapist had me remember being told this, tap and then immediately to back to the part of the rape where I told myself this. I could feel half of my body get really scared (bottom half shaking, cold, clammy cold-sweat hands). The upper half though went super tense and hot. My head started throbbing and then I thought 'why the fuck do I have to deal with this stupid nonsense on top of being raped? I would have raped if he was a chubby chaser. He was on drugs, it was his decision, he was still much stronger than me and at least a foot taller'. I got real angry, really quickly at how stupid it is that i've carried the weight of this unnecessary extra shame. The therapist had me come back to the moment, stretch, wiggle my fingers and toes. And then we went back to the rape memory. And all I felt was fear, betrayal (from the rapist) and helpless. But that shame which was making it even worse? Gone. The distress only went down from 8/10 to 7/10. But the belief that I brought it on myself because I lost weight is gone. I never lost weight to get attention from boys, I did it so I could see my toes when I looked down. So I could feel good about myself. It took two 90 minute sessions to completely process this belief. I suspect it'll take another 2-5 sessions to process the actual stage of the rape it was attached to, because I still need to clear the fear/helplessness, and 'this is actually happening' betrayal of trust (it was someone I knew and had a casual fuck-buddy relationship with. The rape was very different, he had been doing drugs before he showed up unannounced at my house-share and pushed his way into my room. He was very aggressive and clearly was acting on some sort of drug-fuelled impulse/fantasy. It went on for hours. It was very painful and he made me do things to humiliate and scare me. He told me he wanted me to cry). At this rate I think it will probably be another 5-6 months before I'm done.Does it get worse before it gets better? For me, emotionally yes. I've had to take off all my armour and step out into the harsh light and show all my wounds to someone I don't know. As I process something, I have to look at each gaping oozing wound, feel it, accept it and then patch it up myself. With the therapist watching to guide me. There is no magic pill, or white knight coming. I have to save myself. It is an exhausting, excruciating process. I've had (and probably will have) weeks where I don't want to do it anymore, where I feel devastated by the gravity of what has happened to me. Where I am overwhelmed with how hard it is. But I have a safety plan established with the therapist, it was one of the first things we did. I do a weekly risk assessment for the therapist which sends him an alert of how I'm doing 2 days before a session. My family, GP, workplace and very close friends all know what I'm doing and how it affects me in/after session. I have help arranged for my baby when I'm in session and the first few days afterwards to ease the pressure. I do my best to be kind to myself. If my child wasn't so very little it would be a little easier to manage. When they need you, they need you at that stage of life. No excuses, no exceptions.What have you told work? I'm an essential worker in the government. I happen to work for a trauma-informed organisation. Our Chief exec talks openly about the fact that she was sectioned herself, and the culture is supportive. I know they must make every reasonable adjustment/accomodation for me because it's a disability under UK law as I've had/will have it for more than a year. I was on maternity leave for a lot of the time. I told them I experienced a traumatic birth, which caused me to re-experience being a victim of a serious crime and that I've had to accept in trying to address this that my upbringing was a form of child abuse. I had a sick note for ptsd. I told them I was knee-deep in doing a type of exposure therapy which is very involved. I think i'll probably be signed off another month and then begin a phased return with very light duties and build back up to normal from there. I told them the truth; I want to work and do my bit, but I know I need to break the back of the therapy before I can begin to be useful again. I've only told my work friends that the birth was really traumatic and that the recovery is intense. They've all assumed that I need physical therapy and i have no reason to correct them. They don't need to know the details, only management needs the accurate headline story and they are bound by confidentiality. I recognise my situation, this time and a prescribed phased return is a luxury most in the US won't have available if you are working.Do I recommend it? Yes. And maybe no. It depends on your circumstances. It's working for me, but a lot slower than I had hoped going in. But I don't have that complex a cPTSD, I can see how more traumas, prolonged traumas or more extreme traumas would take longer or might not be suitable. Theres no CSA. I wasn't trafficked. I haven't been domestically abused. I wouldn't say I've been tortured. A big one that makes it easier for me - I have no psychological co-morbidities to complicate things. My trauma is all over for now. I'm estranged from my mother. I have the opportunity and the planning in place to do this once and for all. My coping mechanism has always been to ignore my internal pain and do what needs to be done to get the job done/please someone I respect. This is the one time that comes in extra handy. It 'hurts' but cancer treatment hurts. Cauterizing a wound hurts. I am slowly getting lighter and it feels permanent. I can't afford to paper over the cracks anymore. I will say this is not something you can half-ass or worry it to death. There are ways to make it suck slightly less, I know, I'm doing most of them. It's also not as bad as you think it will be. I think the giving up of control and the choose-your-own adventure style of it doesn't necessarily feel 'safe' when you anticipate it. Do it, don't do it - it's your life. But if you do it. Safety plan. Be prepared to put your life on hold for a few months. Get ready to feel all the feels. Don't overthink it - you have to trust your brain. The therapist is not fixing you, you are.What keeps you going when it is hard? I will not fuck my baby up the way i've been. I made a 2am promise to her that I would not ever deliberately hurt her or let her ever doubt how much I love her. I'm playing for all the marbles. For keeps. Not for me. For her. via /r/CPTSD https://ift.tt/31qIhrX
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