It’s been years now, and it still lives in my head (TW: sexual assault)

It’s been a few years since I was in a bar with my friends out of town for work. I’ve questioned my sexuality for years having experimented in high school and college with guys, but having never gone “all the way.” I was chatting with a guy who was pretty good looking. He bought me drinks, and we were having a good time. He grabbed my thigh, and I asked him not to because I was uncomfortable. Then, he told me “no you’re not,” and grabbed onto my dick. I pushed his hand away and reiterated my feeling on it. He kept on rubbing my thigh, and he forcefully grabbed me again and starting to squeeze, which hurt pretty bad, then said something that I honestly don’t even remember anymore. Thankfully, I’m a relatively big guy and was able to get away from the situation and back to my hotel room.I’ve never told anyone this. Since that interaction, I haven’t gone back to a gay bar, I haven’t experimented with men anymore, and I’ve locked my sexuality very far down. Every time I think about myself with another man romantically I get such a mix of emotions. Butterflies, warmth, then fear.I’m engaged now, to a woman, and she has made me incredibly happy. She’s supportive of my mental health, my dreams, and I only hope that I can support her as much as she does me. I haven’t told her this story, and I’m not sure how I would be able to bring it up; though I do feel that she is entitled to know. In fact, this is the first time I’ve talked about it at all. To be frank, I told myself for a long time that what I experienced wasn’t sexual assault because I didn’t want to admit to myself what had happened. How I had felt like an object that he was going to use and that because he bought me two drinks I fucking OWED him sex. I don’t hold all gay men accountable for his actions. Hell, one of my best friends in the world is gay; but since then I have yet to feel comfortable opening up like that around another man. It’s caused me issues in the bedroom, my already overactive anxiety has been affected, and I just feel like I shouldn’t be this way. I know that deep in my heart, I am bisexual; but that experience has caused me to be afraid of actually coming out(considering this IS me coming out... a throwaway reddit account). My fiancé has brought up my sexuality before due to my sex-drive, and goddammit I didn’t even have the courage to tell her how I feel because of you. Wherever you are now, I hope that you’ve changed. I hope that you’ve gotten better.My mama raised me not to feel anger towards people who hurt us, rather we should love them; so I hope that even if you hurt me, you can fix whatever must’ve been hurting you. via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/37gFEwL