!!TW suicide, sexual assault, abuse, self harm!! Let me(19F) explain a few things first. When I was 4/5 a friend moved into my neighborhood and they became my best friend. However, most days I saw them then it was accompanied by sexual actions. I was raised in a very religious and very strict, conservative etc. household. I never told them about those 4 years that these sexual things happened. I felt as if I was going to go to hell for years and years and this really affected my mental health. I became a very hyperactive sexual child. I started masterbating at 6 and watching porn at 9. This made it worse, I didn’t understand what was going on, or why. My parents were very toxic and abusive. I started self harming at 9 and only cut once. Normally I would choke myself or try and hang myself/Stan myself at this age. Boys at school (2/3rd grade) would sexualize me and pin me in corners and try and smack my as* and make “tag” a “fun” game of ‘who can touch her first’. It seems as if all of this sexualization has followed me my whole life. My dad would pull me aside and tell me my V-neck, long sleeve, shirt was too revealing and distracting at dinner time. He, nor my mother, would allow me to wear leggings in the house, or at all, because my dad could see “everything”. Ive moved around my whole life and have usually been lonely. I moved out as soon as I could and went to college. The house was dark, and cold, I always worked, or did school work/classes. I never had time for people and I became even more alone. I stopped eating and ate no more than 400 calories a day. My bf (17M) became worried and would make me tell him when I ate and how much to help me eat more. (He’s my saving grace atm) I lost 30+ lbs (I became 5’10” and 115) and then corona happened. I moved in with my brother and I never saw anyone. I became the most depressed I’ve ever been. I was in the car crying and had a handful of pills in my hand and the water in the other. I put them in my mouth but called my bf before swallowing. He talked me down and I threw the pills away. Since then I’ve never purchased or have even Advil at my house just in case I become that depressed again. I have major body insecurities now and want to consume less calories again or even go to laxatives to lose weight. This paragraph doesn’t even contain the sexual abuse from an ex-boyfriend or a fwb (I didn’t even want to have this relationship with him) I had that sexual hurt me as well. My bf is patient with me, but I feel cursed(?) Ive always had these sexual problems(?) they follow me my whole life. I’m tired of scraping and kissing peoples feet just to try and apply, just to be told no and be jobless still. I’m tired of looking at my (now) 150lbs frame and see that little belly fat and feel gross and distasteful. I’m just tired and I don’t want to die, I don’t... I love my bf very much and I love my siblings and the people I have met. But I’m tired and stressed and I’m trying to find a therapist to go to and if you’ve made it this far then thank you. I appreciate you. I give my love so willingly and all I’ve wanted is to have it willingly given to me without strings attached and I just want a friend... that’s really all I want. I’m not sure what advice you can give but just hearing another story may help. Why has it always followed me and robbed me of a childhood or any innocence whatsoever....? via /r/offmychest https://ift.tt/344qCs5
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